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How to Harness Your Sexual Energy
https://boldanddetermined.com/ - Sex is the driving force that makes a man do anything.
All great men of genius and power used their sex drive as fuel.
The process of turning sexual energy and aggression into productivity is called:
TRANSMUTATION OF SEXUAL ENERGY
Sex transmutation is the most powerful tool in existence when it comes to creation, invention, accomplishment, creativity, advancement, and achievement.
Napoleon Hill talked about the Transmutation of Sexual Energy in his ground-breaking book Think and Grow Rich
“Sex, alone, is a mighty urge to action, but it’s forces are like a cyclone-they are often uncontrollable. When the emotion of love begins to mix itself with the emotion of sex, the result is calmness of purpose, poise, accuracy of judgement, and balance.” – Napoleon Hill, Think and Grow Rich
In laymans terms, the love of a good woman is absolutely essential. You’ve heard the saying “Behind every great Man is a great Woman“. It’s true. With too much un-focused sexual energy a man has no purpose or direction. Civilization itself exists solely because of monogamous marriages and the directed focus of sexual energy.
Take a look at your nearest ghetto for confirmation. You will notice that they (the underclass) indiscriminately have sex with each other, pop out babies at random while not in a nuclear, monogamous relationship, have no love between the sex partners, do not control their sexual urges, live like savages because their too focused on their sex obsession to do anything productive or creative, and have to be taken care of by Big Daddy Government otherwise they starve.
There is a famous quote attributed to an Indian Chief that goes like this:
“Indian Chief, “Two Eagles,” was asked by a white government official, “You have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he’s done.”
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?”
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. “When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Clean Water; Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; All night having sex.”
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. “Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that.”
What we have here is a classic case of over-indulgence in sexual energy with no focus to harness that power into advancement. The American Indians lived in this land for thousands of years with no advancement.
When the White Man came (with his sexual energy focused and directed) he found the Indian still living in Teepee’s, not wearing clothing, shitting in the forest, and living like savages.
An un-focused, sexually open society is a society that cannot survive the long term. If you disagree maybe you can ask an American Indian what he thinks about the assertation that sexual degeneracy will lead to extinction. What’s that, can’t find an American Indian to ask?
Every time you use an indoor toilet, get running water from your sink, cook your food on a stove, turn on the air conditioner on a hot day and get food out of your refrigerator you are enjoying the benefits of men who used their sexual energy in a productive way.
The decadent over-indulgence in sex is a one-way ticket to Failure village with a layover in Stagnation town . The smart men know this, the fools don’t and that’s why the lower classes behave like animals.
How to Harness Your Sexual Energy
It is common understanding that over-indulgence in drink and drugs lead to ruin but it is uncommon for people to understand that over-indulgence in sex can lead to the same thing. Let that sexual energy build up inside you.
Don’t dissipate that energy haphazardly because that energy is sensed by other people and draws them into you like a magnet. Being highly sexed (i.e. having sexual energy) but not giving in to any and all desires is the key to success.
“This orgy of indulgence may account for the shortage of great leaders. No man can avail himself of the forces of his creative imagination, while dissipating them.” – Napoleon Hill, Think and Grow Rich
There is one thing I can guarantee – the most successful men in history have a huge sexual magnetism BUT THEY DO NOT ROUTINELY GIVE IN TO THOSE DESIRES and they never make that desire the goal. They don’t go out on Friday nights looking for some action. They don’t have to, this kind of behavior will bring women to them without any additional effort.
Let me tell you about how I started making money. For years I used to dream and devise money making plans but they failed 100% of the time. I used to think to myself (before I ever read Think and Grow Rich) that guys like Bill Gates, in order for them to make fortunes, had to give up sex and the pursuit of sex in order to make money.
I instinctively knew that but I would think to myself “that’s not worth it.“
Because I was unwilling to give up that all consuming desire and redirect that energy I never did anything worthwhile. Not until I had a girlfriend that I lived with and I consciously focused ALL that sexual energy into money making energy that I started to make money on my own.
At the time I had a full-time professional job. I had a business plan and desire and I quit my job. 30 days later I made twice my old job’s monthly salary with my new business. And I only did it because I focused my sexual energy into something highly productive. It worked and it’s the only thing that works.
Sex Transmutation Recap
Transmutation of sexual energy is the process of turning sexual energy and aggression into fuel for something bigger.
Sex is the number one reason we, as men, do anything. It’s always for sex. It is our biology, our DNA. There is nothing wrong with that.
But if we want to accomplish something grand, something great, we have to transform our sexual energy into fuel for something else.
- Don’t indiscriminately have sex. That’s what savages do and that’s why they will stay savage. This doesn’t mean you can’t have sex but do not make sex your primary goal.
- Don’t masturbate or watch internet porn frequently. This drains vital energy from you. You can see vast, positive changes in mood, personality and happiness by giving this up. Keeping your seed develops an animal magnetism that draws people to you, constantly spilling that seed repulses people.
- Consciously use your sexual desire and energy and focus it into your business and life plan. Sexual energy is damn near limitless and when re-directed can turn any man into a money making machine.
- Get a good woman who will take care of all your needs (not just sexual) – this will free your mind from having to even think about these things and you can focus completely on your goal at hand. The love and support of a woman is essential for success – most successful men had a good woman behind the scenes.
Sexual energy is the best fuel that exists – use it wisely. Save it up and watch your energy explode (heh).
Science Finally Proves Meridians Exist
By Azriel ReShel on Wednesday April 20th, 2016, upliftconnect
In every culture and in every medical tradition before ours, healing was accomplished by moving energy.” – Albert Szent-Gyorgyi, Biochemist and Nobel Prize Winner.
For centuries the ancient wisdom keepers and healers in several traditions had a keen understanding of the energetic body. The healing traditions from China, India, Japan and Tibet, as well as other countries all spoke of energy channels, meridians or nadis along which the vital energy flowed.
Life was considered to be a bio-electrical and vibrational energy phenomenon and so health revolved around balancing energy through various means. Life existed because of life force and energy running through and animating the body, ensuring we can move, breathe, digest food, think and even feel.
Healing traditions all spoke of energy channels, sen, meridians or nadis.
Energy channels
This vital life force or chi, is composed of two kinds of forces, yin and yang, and flows along a sophisticated network of energy pathways, or highways, circuiting the body. Over 2000 years ago ancient cultures knew of the existence of these energy channels. They were called ‘sen’ in Thailand, ‘nadis’ in India, ‘meridians’, ‘channels’ or ‘vessels’ in China and Japan, and ‘channels’ in Tibet. In India, where many eastern healing arts developed, there were said to be 72 000 nadis or energy pathways. Disease is believed to be a blockage in the energy flow of these channels. A range of healing traditions, including acupuncture, acupressure, massage and yoga, are founded on the principle of the existence of energy channels or pathways, known as meridians, or nadis, running around the body in an expansive network.
While it may seem a little airy fairy to some to consider the energy body while we have flesh and bone, at source we are an energy field, embedded into another energy field. Our bodies are electromagnetic in nature and science has measured these frequencies with advanced machines, like EKG’s and MRI scanning, for many years. Numerous studies demonstrate these energy pathways and points conduct electricity even when needles aren’t used. And the massage technique of Shiatsu have been found to stimulate the same energetic effects. Similarly, Qigong,Tai Chi and the postures of yoga, have been found to increase electrical conductance at acupoints, yet science never believed in the existence of meridians until now.
A range of healing traditions are founded on the principle of the meridians.
Scientific research
Recently scientists at Seoul National University confirmed the existence of meridians, which they refer to as the “primo-vascular system.” They say that this system is a crucial part of the cardiovascular system.
Previously, North Korean scientist Kim Bong-Han proposed that he had found meridians in the early 1960’s. Dr Kim Bong-Han showed over 50 years ago that new tubular structures exist inside and outside of blood vessels and lymphatic vessels, as well as on the surface of internal organs and under the dermis. He believed they were the traditional meridian lines. The meridians were called Bonghan ducts or channels, after his research, but now the existence of this system in various organs has been corroborated by further research.
The current Korean researchers now believe the primo-vascular system is in fact the physical component of the Acupuncture Meridian System. And it has also been suggested that this system is involved in channelling the flow of energy and information relayed by biophotons (electromagnetic waves of light) and DNA.
There may be a link between the meridians and energy and information relayed by DNA.
The Korean scientists studying oriental medicine with biophysical methods injected a special staining dye which coloured the meridians. By injecting the dye onto acupuncture points, they were able to see thin lines. These did not show up at non-acupuncture point sites where there are no meridians. The researchers discovered that the meridian lines are not confined to the skin, but are in fact a concrete duct system through which liquid flows, and that this liquid aggregates to form stem cells.
Previously, scientists used a combination of imaging techniques and CT scans to observe concentrated points of microvascular structures that clearly correspond to the map of acupuncture points created by Chinese energy practitioners in ancient times. In a study published in the Journal of Electron Spectroscopy and Related Phenomena, researchers used contrast CT imaging with radiation on both non-acupuncture points and acupuncture points. The CT scans revealed clear distinctions between the non-acupuncture point and acupuncture point anatomical structures.
Scientists injected a special staining dye which coloured the meridians.
The meridian system
There are 12 primary paired meridians and two single mid meridians, six yang and six yin. The yang meridians run down the body and the yin meridians flow up the body. Each meridian is also related to an element. Each meridian is most active at a certain time of the day or night and each meridian is influenced by an element or season.
The nature of meridians, in their elemental structure, and as vessels for the life force, show the intricacy and profound connection of our body at a cellular level, to the universe. We are intimately connected by the elements, energetic structure and flow of energy, to all life, at a cellular, physical level. Our earth is also said to have energetic pathways or ley lines, akin to meridians.
The map was created by Chinese healing practitioners nearly 2000 years ago.
How are meridians related to health?
Our bodies need balance. A balanced flow or energy, not too much or too little, is conducive to good health. This is the same in the way we live our lives. Balance is paramount. Just enough food, water and a healthy balanced lifestyle. As the Buddha said: “middle way” or moderation in all things.
We can see this harmony and balance in life, as the balance between the energies of yin and yang – or more simplistically, masculine and feminine – the two opposing and catalyzing energies of the universe.
In our bodies we need balance, not too much or too little.
Our health is vibrant if there is harmony and balance between these two forces in the body. If the balance is disturbed, and the flow of one of these forces becomes greater than the other then illness arises. These forces or energies flow through very definite channels in the body, or meridians, and these are the body’s healing energy pathways.
In traditional Indian medicine, the meridians are expanded upon.There are nadis found within the physical body and these nadis make up the nervous system, the circulatory system, the digestive system, the respiratory system, the lymphatic systems, etc. Any blockages in these nadis can result in physical health conditions. Nadis can also be found in the subtle body where they carry thoughts, feelings, and nerve impulses. When these nadis are blocked, we lose our ability to feel, and connect deeply with others, the environment and ourselves. In the same way that veins and arteries are important for the body to function, nadis weave through our physical nerves and the matrix of consciousness that circuits the mind and self, supporting our physical expression from the otherworldly dimensions of existence.
Chi is made up of two kinds of forces, yin and yang.
When the flow of energy is blocked, it causes low energy and illness. Practices like yoga and meditation work on these subtle energy channels, supporting the flow of energy through the body. According to some ancient indian texts there are 350 000 nadis or energy pathways in the body. In traditional Indian medicine and spiritual science, the energies of the physical body, the subtle body and the causal body are said to flow through the nadis. Within this framework, the nadis are said to connect at special points of intensity called nadichakras.
The three most important nadis are those running along the spine: ida, pingala and sushumna. The Sushumna is the central channel of energy in the human body and it runs from the base of the spine to the crown of the head and carries kundalini energy, which is the primal evolutionary force. Kundalini is awakened through yoga and meditation and is said to lie dormant at the base of the spine. Activation of the kundalini leads to higher consciousness states. The aim of yoga is to broaden the sushumna and to unite the pathways. Purifying all three nadis leads to overall health, and wellness of body and mind, as well as spiritual growth. Various Pranayama techniques aid in helping to keep these nadi channels open.
The three most important nadis are those running along the spine: ida, pingala and sushunma.
If you are sensitive to energy and have had energy treatments, such as acupuncture, you may have felt streams of energy or a flow of cold or heat, for example, up the legs or arms. This is a freeing up of energy in the meridians and the flow of energy that is released when a blockage is removed.
There are many wonderful healing modalities based on the meridian system that support radiant health. By enhancing the flow of energy through the body, balance and health is achieved and we come in touch with our true selves. Acupuncture is a therapeutic modality used in China as early as the late stone age. It was used to treat all ailments affecting people. Acupuncture did not enter modern Western consciousness until the 1970’s when China ended a period of isolation and resumed foreign political and cultural contacts.
The range of applications for acupuncture has grown slowly in the West, possibly because of the belief that it has no scientific basis. Perhaps now with the scientific proof of meridians, acupuncture will become more widespread for all ailments, along with other great healing modalities based on the energetics of the body, supporting more people to have vibrant health and wellbeing.
Sex, Productivity and Motivation Part 03: Social Influence
BY AARON LYNN | Source here
In the previous part of our series on sex, productivity and motivation, we looked at the idea that society offers both useful and detrimental suggestions when it comes to pursuing sex, which in turn impacts upon your motivation and productivity levels. In this part we’ll look further into some of the ways that society specifically does this, and then offer some suggestions for filtering out less-useful messages and utilizing the more useful ones.
Update: click here for part 4.
To examine in-depth the cues that society gives us about sex, we need to go back to this chart:
We’re going to look broadly at a range of social forces, from religion and government, through to the gay community and the use of monetary exchange.
Religion and Sex
Let’s try to keep this brief.
Religion says a lot of things about sex, and unfortunately for the most part, there is a fair bit of repression about sex as an act and as a concept. It’s useful to understand that religion has arisen alongside social and historical developments, and that all three have heavily influenced each other. As an example, earlier societies and cultural eras have had problems with population control, and the presence of bastard children, but a lack of a welfare government to handle them – it would have fallen to the country/nation’s religious leaders to offer suggestions about those.
There is also likely a fair bit of politics and ego protection involved with religion and the discussion of sex. Sex is, after all, an enigmatic black box that most men still don’t understand – and let’s not delude ourselves: the majority of religious leaders throughout history have been men. Ego plays into this because the default way that human beings cope with the repercussions of something that they don’t truly understand, is to control all the variables around it. In this case, the concept is sex, and the controls have been religious laws enforced regarding it.
Here’s a quick look at what the major groupings of religions have said about sex.
Christianity
- Sex exists only within marriage.
- Abstinence is encouraged outside of marriage.
- Priests are to be celibate (Catholicism). Note that this is Canon Law (i.e., mandated by the Church rather than God), not dogma. The historical development coinciding with this was the increase in expense that was required for the church to support priests’ families. The religious reason offered was “love for all instead of one”.
- Sex and passion are painted as false “gods”. If it messes with the existing order of religion, control it through vilification.
Islam
- Sex exists only within marriage. There is an obvious connection between politics, religion and society co-developing here, that you can see in Arab countries of the modern day. e.g., in Dubai, unmarried couples are often arrested for engaging in sexual acts.
- Marriage is strongly encouraged. Again, society and politics comes into play here – pair-bonded humans form an extremely strong and stable social unit within a population, and are thus easier to govern. More about this in a later article.
- Multiple wives. The Muslim view of this is financial, not moral: if someone is able to support multiple spouses, it is for the benefit of society that he does so.
Buddhism
- No taboos about sex. This makes most Buddhist countries quite liberal about sex in comparison to those with a Christian tradition.
- Monks aren’t supposed to have sex.
- Desire is treated as something bad, and as a distraction from one’s path in life. Strangely enough, this idea is very close to the concept of using sexual energy as a motivational force.
New Age Community
- The new age community generally has a lot of out-there ideas about sex, wrapped up with good and fuzzy vibes and general “whitelight” feel-good. Most of these ideas have little scientific or even observational basis.
- One concept that they seem to understand better than other communities is the idea of Sexual Energy, and how to use it to your advantage. We’ll talk more about this in the next article of the series.
This is all nice and interesting to know, but the question you’re probably asking is: how do I apply this?
Not a bad idea.
If you follow a particular religious tradition, well, it’s your choice and you should definitely respect your own beliefs. Just understand that the choices religion often asks to you to make, may not be optimal for your sex life, for your motivation levels, or your productivity.
If you are not religious, the main thing is to not allow anyone (religious or otherwise) instill in you the idea that there is guilt associated with sex. Associating sex with guilt majorly disrupts with your ability to function as a human being in the pursuit of worthwhile goals. Often, this guilt is drawn from religion and filtered down through laws, social concepts and the mass media, because of the important role that religion plays in human society.
The most productive mindset by far, is to completely strip any judgmentalism about sex, or men’s or women’s sexual behaviors. Any time that men or women are called “players” or “bad” or “sluts” or “whores”, is judgmentalism, and only serves to hamper your motivation and productivity. It’s hard to stay positive about things that you are pursuing, if the reasons you are pursuing them are weighed down with guilt and a nagging voice telling you that they are wrong. Editor’s note: translation via example: if you’re guy working hard to climb the social ladder so you can date more attractive women, it’s self-defeating to then turn around and be judgmental about women.
The Gay Community
One of the more interesting social forces we looked at in our research for this series was the modern gay community (gay men and women). If you remember the chart above, it is surviving and reproducing that govern our biological drives to do things and achieve goals. At face value, the modern gay community throws half that equation out the window.
But the interesting thing is that gay men and women represent one of the most successful demographic groups in the world. While there has been no long term research done, here are some reasons we think why this is:
- They have the sex part sorted. They know what they want and have much easier channels to get sex.
- There is less judgmentalism going around within the gay community, and most are not confused by the messages that society puts out.
- They’ve learned to control and get sex effectively, giving them more time to get on with their lives and their goals – which has more to do with survival than it does with reproduction.
Technological Developments
The two “technological” developments in relation to sex here are birth control devices and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).
Birth Control
Historically, it has been a woman’s responsibility to take care of birth control. This matches the biological imperative that men have to impregnate as many women as possible. It’s only been a modern development where the law holds the father of a child at least partly responsible for its upbringing (more on this in the section on government below).
Barrier devices such as condoms and diaphragms have dramatically changed the way that human beings approach sex – there is now the option to enjoy lot of sex with fewer consequences (in particular, pregnancy). This mean that the pursuit of responsibility-free sex is a much more active thought and idea in most people’s minds now than it was prior to the availability of barrier contraception.
The birth control pill is an interesting development. It was introduced with much resistance from the Catholic Church, and studies have shown that the hormonal changes it creates in women have behavioral implications. Essentially, women taking birth control pills tend to engage in less risky behavior, seek fewer thrills, and prefer longer-term partners. This means that that they seek out men who are more suitable long-term partners and are more likely to be good “providers”.
In turn, this has huge implications for both men and women. For women, you need to understand that taking birth control will shift your priorities in life at a hormonal level – you may no longer be as predisposed to pursue a corporate career as you would settling down and starting a family (ironically). For men, you need to understand that as you pursue dating and relationships, different women are looking for different things at a hormonal level – some will be seeking men with traits suitable to be long-term partners (those on the pill), others will be seeking men with traits suitable to be short-term flings.
At a more macro level, birth control in all its forms has been a boon for society – it lets women have sex without pregnancy, which means more women in the workforce and an increased national level of output of productivity.
STDs
“I don’t care if she’s from (prestigious Sydney girls-only high school), she can still give you AIDs, syphillis or other STDs. Trust me boys, use a condom.” – My high school sex-ed teacher.
The development and increasing number of STDs seems to be nature’s answer to contraception. From a productivity standpoint, there isn’t much to say apart from educating yourself a little, and getting regular check-ups (even if you’re in a monogamous relationship – you can still contract them from say sitting on a bench at the gym), and not worrying about it too much.
One thing to keep in mind: don’t let your physician distort medical and moral advice. It’s your right to pursue sex and enjoy having sex – don’t let your doctor suggest that you should abstain rather than getting regular testing done.
Government, Money and Hollywood
Big Government
“Indeed, it has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.” – Winston Churchill.
In referring to government here, I am referring to the modern Western welfare government, where reach and law often extend into matters of family, relationships, love and of course, sexual conduct.
A welfare government with a social support system isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it has some heavy-hitting implications for human behavior that most people don’t realize. Because there is often a safety, whether it be social security payments, unemployment programs or otherwise, the provision of some basic needs and services in reality, makes people lazier. If you really want to see people who are productive and spend all-day hustling, go to the developing world. This is one of the reasons that Thanh and I spend a lot of time traveling in Asia and Eastern Europe – we want to be in places where people don’t make excuses about doing things… they just do them.
My friend Charles often calls a lot of the “issues” and “roadblocks” that people have, “first world pretty boy problems”. Things like “I don’t feel like it” or “I’m just not motivated enough” don’t exist when you’re working hard to feed and support a family and there is no social welfare to step in on your behalf.
Real-life example: The hairdresser on my street works 7 days a week, 9am-9pm. He’s been there for the past 8 years. He charges 250 baht a haircut (about $8). I highly doubt he stops to think about “not being motivated enough”.
So how does this link to sex. Well, the provision of child-related services, such as maternity leave, payments for single parents, or even social services (the foster system) essentially tells people that they can have sex, have children, and even if they mess it up, the government will step in and bear responsibility for them.
Now from a social standpoint, this is not a bad thing. It’s good to help society stabilize and function. But it has an effect on productivity that most people don’t realize. Essentially, it is allowing for the abdication of responsibility when it comes to raising children (amongst other things). This REALLY messes with your mindset. Society, in the form of government, is telling you that you don’t have to be responsible for your children, and by implication, much of your life. But as we know, the top-level summary of productivity ISto be responsible for your own life.
Solution? Be happy that social welfare exists, but take responsibility despite the system put in place. Your actions will have consequences, and it’s a more productive mindset to realize those consequences than to let government take care of them.
Monetary Exchange
Money and sex are two of the most sought-after things in the world. They have an interesting relationship, with money (and often sex), being an unit of trade that can equivocate to many different things.
Let’s look at how they influence human decision making and courses of action.
For Men
For men, money has become something of a necessity (and a shortcut) to getting sex. Even if you are a modern-day Casanova, you still need SOME money to get sex – you still need to pay rent, buy food, buy clothes etc.
Simply put, there is a cost to “getting girls”, whether it be transportation, the cost of dates, contraception, or a more modern development, male grooming. Here’s the interesting thing: money can help you get sex, but you still need a prerequisite level of social skills and social access, which often do not arise from having money.
Society tells you that the more money you have, the more sex you will have. In reality, this is not true. It takes money plus a little bit more (social skills and social access) for that.
Editor's note: You could also just live in Vegas or the developing world.
The problem with this message from society is that it can often make you deviate from pursuing more productive activities. Accumulating money in the short-term is arguably extremely productive to your life. But it won’t necessarily get you sex. Learning social skills and getting social access are more likely to get you sex – but you lose out on the productivity benefits from letting society “trick” you into believing that working hard and long in the pursuit of money, will get you sex. Simply being aware of this means that you can use this paradox to your advantage – let chasing sex fuel you as you go about working and getting things done. But recognize that it isn’t really getting you sex – it’s just helping you get things done.
No discussion of money and sex would be complete without a discussion of prostitution and relationships.
Let’s look at relationships first. Very simply, relationships tend to be expensive. It does differ city-by-city and country-by-country, but for the most part, couples tend to go places that are pricier than where single people go (most single people opting to eat in rather than eat out alone). Couples also tend to go to nicer places, and do more activities outside the house. There is also an opportunity cost in terms of productivity, from time spent nurturing and building your relationship. More about this in part 5 of this series.
Prostitution - more commonly accepted than most people think.
On the flip-side, we have prostitution. Thanh and I personally know quite a few men with lots of money, who choose this option. They tell us that for them, it’s just more productive to pay for sex. They don’t want the drama or complications or relationships – they know what their sexual needs are and would prefer a professional to take care of them without incident.
While the idea may be horrifying to someone in America, in parts of Asia, “massage” parlors and prostitution are the norm here. Most married women here tolerate their husbands visiting such establishments under the belief that they won’t form emotional bonds with sex workers, and that it’s just a physical thing (mostly true). It also means that their husbands are less demanding of them sexually, which happens to go well with their religiously-inspired belief that sex is something bad. Editor’s note: women like sex as much as men, they just don’t like sex with men they’re not truly attracted to. This is 100% true in Asia, as most marriages are about social alignment and are essentially business transactions rather than about “love”.
For Women
Money and sex works differently for women. Unless you happen to work in an adult industry (porn stars + Amazon wish lists come to mind), or live under particular economic circumstances (e.g., country girls in Asia who marry for money) there no obvious correlation between sex and money as a woman.
The one less obvious correlation is in marriage and children. As one of our female reviewers put it to us, most women rationalize the idea of “I want kids” as a way to avoid the responsibility of a career or pursuit. She also mentioned that the occurence of female-masterminded shotgun marriages (where a couple is married because the woman is pregnant) is more common that most people think.
Mass Media and Hollywood
We’ll have more to say about this in article 7 on “Asian Efficient Sex”, you basically want to remember that Hollywood and the mass media is not real life – it’s entertainment. The messages and “lessons” that film and television teach you about sex are inaccurate and often present caricatured representations of sex. Don’t apply them to your own life.
A Plan for Action
Different lessons for men and women.
For men, the best thing to understand is that as you become better at getting sex, the motivational push that you derive from sex goes down. Whether you have easy access to sex as a result of wealth, social skills or status, the easier your access, the less the idea of sex will help you push forward in your career, work or pursuits. An extreme example of this are men who live in their parents’ basement, and do little apart from play guitar and have sex with young attractive women all day.
Editor’s note: we’re not women, so we asked various women to help us formulate the below.
For women, it is important to understand that most of the motivation you get from sex comes after sex, from the relationship. The main motivational drive for women comes from a combination of pair bonding, the idea of family (a subset of pair bonding) and the pursuit of sexual expression through creativity or femininity. Sex is a subset of a relationship, though a relationship can be anything from a one-night stand to a monogamous marriage. A large majority of women (especially outside North America), allow their dreams and goals to become subservient to the relationships they are in. Historically speaking, women typically maintained the family, while men pursued activities outside the family that helped with its survival. This is not good or bad, just recognize that it exists and take action accordingly.
One of the questions that we received from readers is whether having no sex would help with productivity. The answer is actually surprising – it depends on how you go about it. Remember that you derive a lot of biological benefits from having sex. More to come in the next part on Sexual Energy.
In Closing
Society has a large impact on how you view sex, how you get sex, and all the pathways that it makes you believe will lead to sex. This can make you work extremely productively to get sex, and at can also make you work very productively thinking you’ll get sex, but never getting there.
In general:
- Take responsibility. Number one principle when it comes to productivity.
- The less judgmental you are about sex, the better your life will be, and the more productive you will be. You’ll also get more sex too.
- Learn to trick your brain. Some of the things society tells you are helpful, some are not. Recognize the difference between what helps you get sex versus what helps you be productive, and use that to your advantage.
- Read up on opportunity cost and apply the theory to both the act of getting sex, and the things that society tells you will lead to sex but often don’t.
Update: click here for part 4.
Sex, Productivity and Motivation Part 01: Let’s Talk About Sex
Let’s talk about sex.
“The world’s most productive people are those who understand sex, and have it on a regular basis.” – Asian Efficiency
Here at Asian Efficiency we like to think of ourselves as experts in time management, productivity, getting things done… and sex. Why? Because sex is important. Most people we know who are happy, successful and healthy, seem to have regular sex.
The Importance of Sex
Let’s face it – there isn’t a whole lot out there written about sex. Ever read a time management book that mentions sex? It’s still a taboo topic to write about. Sure, we’re bombarded with images of semi-nude women (and men) as we drive past billboards and watch advertising on TV on a daily basis, but those are visual cues designed to attract our attention and to get us to associate something extremely primal (sex) with whatever product they’re trying to pitch us. The fact that marketers aplenty are trying to use sex appeal to sell to us, should set off warning signals that sex is something important.
The next time you’re out and about, notice the number of sex-related signals going on around you. Advertising. Television. Fashion. Sex is pretty much everywhere, and we all know that it’s something we need. Yet no one wants to talk about it.
Perspectives on Sex
We would like to think that we have a different perspective on the topic. Most heavy-hitting productivity and motivational material seems to be written by middle-aged balding corporate types who, well, just aren’t all that sexy (editor’s note: I’m sure he’s joking). In comparison, Thanh and myself are the embodiment of sex appeal.
Yep, pretty sure they didn’t discuss sex.
In all seriousness, there really is no such thing as an expert on sex, because it is such a varied activity. Sex in the context of pornography is one type of sex. Sex in the context of a “standard” monogamous marriage is different. As is sex between couples who have just started dating. And it goes on.
In all the discussions that we’ve had with men and women across all different age groups, nationalities and cultural backgrounds, we’ve found that somebody always objects when the topic of sex comes up: “Oh, girls in HK are all gold diggers, you don’t need charisma, you just need money” or “Yeah, all men in LA just want sex, none of them want anything serious” or “What do/does you/he/she know about sex? I’m 45 and divorced twice, I’ve had much more sex than you/him/her”.
Sex works differently for different people. There is no one, all-encompassing singular expert on sex. As they say – different strokes for different folks.
It’s a worthwhile exercise to ask yourself what you believe and know about sex – and then to ask yourself how you came to those conclusions – were they taught at school, in church, by your parents, from porn, or from personal experience?
What to Expect
This is going to be a long article series. If you’ve been following our twitter, I posted amindmap of the initial research that we did for this – it has doubled in size since then.
Where possible, we’ve tried to look at things from a real-world perspective, rather than from a scientific/theoretical standpoint. The simple reason for this is that theories don’t really survive contact with human beings. They tend to crumble. Experiential learning, especially when other people are involved, is far better.
A simple example that comes to mind, is this idea of mirroring for rapport. For those who don’t know, mirroring is often taught by “communication experts” and “expert negotiators” as a way to “gain rapport” with someone – to get cooperation, a business deal, or sex from them. What has happened here is the case of imposing a scientific experiment upon a real-world situation based on observation, not experience. If you walk into the average North American drinking establishment, you’ll see men and women talking and conversing all about. If you observe, you’ll see that as one person does something, the other person does something similar. It may be taking a sip of water. It may be shifting body weight. Based on this observation, a theory is then created that “mirroring” another person puts you in rapport with them. If you experience however, you’ll know that it doesn’t work that way. Simply copying someone’s movements is weird, and a little bit creepy. What’s actually happening is that one person in the conversation is leading, and the other people are following to stay in sync with them. Who is leading at any given time changes as the focus of the conversation changes.
The same is true with sex. Experiential accounts, are often more accurate than a theory based on observations made in a lab. Speaking of theories, we are going to be referencing evolutionary biology and psychology a lot in this series. Not because it’s 100% accurate, but because it is the simplest way to explain a lot of male-female dynamics and the behaviors of both men and women. Believe it or not, thinking about how cavemen and cavewomen got it on tells us a lot about modern human sexual behavior and the effects that it has (hint: cave-people didn’t have reliable contraception or paternity testing).
Primates, and cavemen, have a lot to teach us about our sex lives.
Here’s what each article will cover:
- An Introduction to Sex, Motivation and Productivity.
- Sex, Biology and Society.
- Sex, Religion, Technology and Money.
- Sexual Energy and its Relationship with Motivation and Productivity.
- Love and Relationships.
- Pornography.
- Getting Sex and Asian Efficient Sex (making the most out of sex).
- Q&A.
Yes, the rabbit hole goes deep.
You’ll notice that the last part will be a Q&A. If you’re reading this, and you want any questions about sex and how it relates to motivation and productivity answered, now is the time to reach out via Twitter or email us.
We’re going to try to cover differing perspectives throughout, and impart some practical applications of what you will learn. We’ve sent our notes to various people to try to cover all angles. Thanh and myself are both young men and heterosexual, and our cultural backgrounds are a mix of Western and Confucian values. Thanh is single (and loving it), I’ve been in a relationship for over a year. In no particular order, we’ve discussed this article series with: bisexual women, gay men, women working in adult industries, men/women in relationships, single straight women, bisexual men, people looking for love, people looking for just sex, dating coaches, “sex experts”, relationship coaches and transexuals.
By now, I hope you realize that sex is important. If it wasn’t, then over a third of all Internet traffic wouldn’t be pornography (check this out). Women wouldn’t wear makeup and worry about fashion. Men wouldn’t work 7 days a week in soul-crushing jobs to buy gifts and jewelry for their trophy wives. And most of all, both men and women would not play deceptive social games with each other to get sex or a commitment.
More in the next part. Stay tuned.
Sex, Productivity and Motivation Part 02: Amoebas, War and Sex and the City
In the second part of our series of sex, productivity and motivation, we’re going to talk about why human beings aren’t amoebas, why men wage wars, and how Sex and the City has changed modern sex lives.
Update: click here for part 3.
If you haven’t read our introduction to this series, you can find it here. You’ll notice that originally this article was titled Biology and Society (and sex). Remember the cover photo above as your read this article – there’s something important going on in there.
Let’s get into it.
The AE Sex-Motivation Flowchart
Using our patented black box information crunching process, we came up at with this at the AE Labs:
The AE Sex and Motivation Chart.
This image explains the role that biology and society play when it comes to our sex lives, and subsequently, the remainder of our lives (outside of sex). We would like to think that this is a fairly accurate depiction of the interplay of biological and social forces when it comes to sex and productivity.
On the left side, we have the two prime biological forces, according to evolutionary psychology: survival and replication. They’re called many different things, but essential they are:
- A living organism’s will and effort to survive, and
- A living organism’s will and effort to reproduce, passing its genes onto its offspring.
These are the two main functions of life.
These two forces create what we like to call “pursuit motivation” – the set of behaviors and actions that we do in order to survive or reproduce. Because we’re talking about sex in this article series, we left survival off the diagram.
Once we have sex, we gain what are known as post-sex benefits. These are basically the biological and social benefits that we derive from having sex, regardless of if offspring was conceived or not (though that is a benefit in and of itself).
These two sets of motivation/benefits in turn, can lead to increased or decreasedproductivity, depending on their interaction with what society says. Society typically provides us with either good and productive messages, or bad and detrimental messages. Essentially, it is a combination of what nature wants us to do (survive + reproduce) and what society says we must do in order to do that (conditioning). A miniature version of nature and nurture if you like.
Note: When we say “society” we are referring to the set of cultural ideas that media, religion, family, our education system etc have provided us with.
The rest of this article will break down this chart even further, and show you how you can use it to your advantage. While we’re going to be as-comprehensive as we can be, each part of this article could in fact be a book in-and-of-itself, complete with diagrams, a historical catalog of research studies and numerous examples. For anyone who’s interested in further reading, I suggest Sperm Wars and The Red Queen. AE Thanh suggests The Selfish Gene and The Evolution of Desire.
The Biology
Let’s start with the biology.
The biological value of all life comes down to its ability to survive and reproduce. It is ingrained (via the pain-pleasure mechanism of the limbic system) in all living organisms that we are supposed to do these things. Survival is pretty straightforward (everyone wants to live), and here’s the high-school-science version of why species replicate:
- It’s about furthering the species.
- Reproduction in sexual organisms leads to genetic diversity through mutation and taking different sets of genes from two separate organisms, leading to stronger genetics for each subsequent generation.
- Sexual reproduction exists for the evolutionary advantages it provides, otherwise we would go at it like Amoebas and just clone ourselves.
As we mentioned in the introduction to this series, this is not the end-all picture – evolutionary psychology is just a shortcut method of looking at how this works. Obviously there are other strong and motivational forces on the level of surviving and reproducing, such as drug or chemical addictions, but in the context of a “normal” living beings, they don’t play into this equation.
Astute readers at this point will likely start to wonder if these biological imperatives differ for men and women, and the answer is yes, they do.
The explanation of this difference could be the subject of an entire book or blogs, but here’s the simplified version:
- Men’s reproductive value lies in non-physical traits.
- Women’s reproductive value lies is physical traits.
Now before I’m hung, drawn and quartered by feminists, let’s look at some evidence of this in the modern world.
A man with high reproductive value.
A woman with high reproductive value.
If you examine popular “top 10” lists around the world, a simple trend emerges. Lists of men typically use wealth, power and influence as a measure of ranking. Lists of womentypically use physical traits, such as sex appeal or beauty. We all know that typically, men who would have the largest choice in reproductive mate aren’t always the most attractive. On the flipside, women who could have any man they want, usually are quite attractive. There is a reason why there is a concept of “ideal child bearing age” for women, and why marketers tend to bombard us with photos of models and attractive women, rather than attractive men.
Sure there are likely some counter-examples out there (and we’ll explain why in the section on Society and Influence below), but for the most part, men are biologically valued for non-physical traits, and women are biologically valued for physical traits. It isn’t good or bad – it’s just biology.
What you can takeaway from this, is that an understanding of how this biological dynamic works makes life and the choices you have to make much, much simpler. Despite what direction society may push you towards, biology tends to be pretty clearcut about what it wants.
Pursuit Motivation
Chasing Tail.
One of the biggest motivational forces on the planet is the pursuit of sex.
Most of the things that we do in life are designed to get us sex. Men try to build empires, and wage wars. Women aspire to be fashionable, and become models or actresses to gain popularity. There are subtle differences between the goals of men and women of course (men typically want more sex, women typically want sex from a specific man), but the drive still comes from the pursuit of sex.
These different expressions in the pursuit of sex exist because of the way that society has evolved. If you think back to caveman times, sex worked very differently. Typically, men would just go up to women, grab them and have sex with them – sex was just one of those things that could happen anywhere and anytime, and if you think about it it makes an awful lot of sense. Despite what society tells you, the only precondition for sex is the presence of two willing people. And the willing part is a modern development that has come with the evolution of human rights.
Yeah, things were a bit simpler in the good old days.
Now obviously, this concept of “club-her-over-the-head-and-drag-her-to-your-man-cave” doesn’t really work any more.
As an interesting aside, it doesn’t work for men but it does for women. Women wanting sex from a random guy typically can just approach and offer sex with few social repercussions.
Society now has an intricate set of rules, laws, checks and systems in place that create different pathways to sex. Because of this, men (not so much women) have had to find alternative pathways to getting sex – some of which are productive, some of which are not.
Men Pursuing Sex.
As we’ve mentioned, the main expression of this pursuit for men comes from showing achievement in non-physical traits. This is done through pursuing careers, accumulating money, waging war, creating empires and generally competing with each other for the attention of women.
Women Pursuing Sex.
Women take a different route – they try to stay healthy and fit (the appearance of “child rearing age”), they learn to use makeup and fashion to make themselves stand out, and they forge social alliances with friends and family to get them more visibility and access to particular men.
Sometimes though, society gives us mixed messages about how to go about getting sex. Some of these are outright ridiculous, and a heavy expenditure of time and resources, and yet we pursue them in the name of reproduction (and survival).
Question: Who has the more productive strategy here?
For example:
- The recent Jersey Shore-fuelled trend of men looking ripped and buff.This goes against most biological imperatives, as it is a huge expenditure of time and resources if it isn’t a direct result of lifestyle (e.g., you are a soldier in an army). Interestingly enough, this message has been pushed hard enough by society that a certain subset of women have begun to take the male physique as an indication of reproductive value.
- The idea that women pursuing higher levels of education and career success will help them find a better partner. In reality, the opposite is true. The more education or status a woman has, the smaller her potential partner pool shrinks. This is because women are biologically hardwired to seek out men of higher status of themselves, to ensure genetically superior offspring, and future security and protection for them both. As a woman climbs the ladders of education and life, there will be fewer and fewer men who are regarded as higher status than her. As Vera Farmiga says in Up in the Air, “Please let him earn more money than I do, you might not understand that now but believe me, you will one day otherwise that’s a recipe for disaster.” We’re not saying that women should not pursue higher education or climb the corporate ladder – that would be ridiculous. We’re just pointing out the biological and social costs of doing so.
- The idea that life is like a Hollywood movie. Movies are essentially compressed and caricatured depictions of real life – they often paint unrealistic scenarios of how romance works, how falling in love works, and then set them to perfect art direction and lighting. Movies are not supposed to depict real life – they’re supposed to entertain us, educate us or generate emotion – otherwise we wouldn’t pay to watch them.
- Pornography. Pornography creates expectations very much the same way that Hollywood films do – they fill our minds with expectations of male-female sexual behavior that doesn’t reflect reality. Much like Jersey Shore however, porn has had a bleed-through effect on society, where men have begun to respond more positively to women who exhibit porn star-like behaviors.
This is not to say that all social messages and pathways are bad – most are actually good, like the promotion of pair bonding for raising children, or working hard to provide for a family.
Pursuing sex is a powerful motivational force and you should most definitely use it to help you get things done. Most of the people who we discussed our research with suggested some form of using sex as a reward for achieving certain milestones, and we definitely agree. Just make sure that what you’re doing to get sex is actually benefiting you (both productively and biologically), rather than leading you down a path that leads to nowhere.
Post-Sex Benefits
On the other side of sex are the benefits that you derive from having sex. Most of these are biological – there are actually few social benefits that come from the act of sex itself. In general, all these biological benefits make you healthier and more psychologically and emotionally stable, thus helping increase your ability to work and be productive. Here they are:
- Reduced stress. When you have sex, your body produces hormones that reduces your stress levels. This creates mental and emotional stability.
- Less worry. This is a result of hormones as well.
- You are happier. A 2004 British study showed that sex is better than money for general happiness. They found that having regular sex once a week produced happiness equivalent to an extra $50,000 a year income. Being in a stable marriage (with regular sex) was equivalent to an extra $100,000 a year in income. Interestingly, divorce was equivalent to a loss of $66,000 a year.
- You get “the glow”. This is a result of hormonal changes and neurotransmitters in the body and brain. People who have just had sex look healthier, and exude a certain confidence.
- Sex is cardiovascular exercise and promotes better blood circulation and cardiovascular health.
- Sex promotes pair bonding (relationships). This is a result of biology (through hormones, we’ll explain this in great detail in a future article), and of positive social conditioning. Pair bonding makes people live longer, healthier and more productive lives.
- Orgasms lower the death rate, and give you up to 3-8 extra years of life.
- Regular sex means fewer colds and viruses. This comes from a Wilkes University study done where regular sex was shown to effectively boost the immune system.
- Having sex doubles women’s estrogen levels. This means softer skin and shinier hair.
- Semen acts as an antidepressant for women when absorbed. This is because it contains a substance called prostaglandin, which has been shown in studies to induce a withdrawal effect when regular exposure is stopped (basically, they measured depression in women with partners who used condoms compared to those who did not).
- I’ll quote this one: “Seminal plasma contains zinc, calcium and other minerals shown to hinder tooth decay. It could be a far richer, more complex and more satisfying experience than squeezing a tube of Crest.”
We had a hard time locking down any positive post-sex social benefits that derive from sex. This is largely because any social gains will come from how the act of sex is presented to and interpreted by other parties. For example, a man telling male friends that he just had sex is largely greeted by congratulations and camaraderie. Unless his friends think the women he just had sex with is unattractive. Similarly, a woman telling her friends that she just had sex will largely depend on what her friends think of the man in question, and her behavior leading to the act itself.
We know that sex is important and that it provides a multitude of benefits for us. Simply put, having sex means that you’ve fulfilled one of your core biological imperatives, and you can get back to the rest of your life. Sex is important for your health – have more of it.
Society, Influence and Conditioning
Let’s refer to our flowchart again:
You’ll see that society (and its forces, conditioning and influences) can either add or drain. This is because society tends to send mixed signals about sex, and how to get it.
95% of the things you believe in (including sex), are not your original thoughts. They come from society telling you to believe in them.
Most people don’t think about their friends having sex. It’s like a mass-omission of the act from conscious thought. There is more sex happening than any of us can really fathom, but it’s still a taboo topic that is never discussed directly.
Society also heavily influences sexual behavior, and thus also influences the motivations leading to sex. This is the Sex and the City Effect. For those old enough (like me) to remember, Sex and the City essentially promoted the idea that it was OK and even cool and hip for women to openly discuss their sex lives and escapades with their female and gay friends. It wasn’t always like this – it’s a cultural meme that has worked its way around the world. Contrast this with men, who have no equivalent meme – outside of select social groups (or the gay community), men typically don’t discuss sex with each other.
Society also promotes the separation of sexual expression from the act of sex. This likely has something to do with sex being taboo and off-limits to polite conversation – we’re forced to find other ways to express sexuality. For women, this is obvious – sexuality is expressed through fashion, makeup and appearance. These are the ways that women tell the world “yes, I am a sexual person”. For men, it less obvious. Women are generally attracted to men with high social standings, be they athletes, celebrities or generally dominant men. It’s just that society doesn’t make the direct connection.
This is not to say that there are not positive messages that society sends. There are most certainly are. Society telling men to pursue “success” (money, career etc) is typically good for both society and a man’s reproductive success. Society telling women to stay healthy and to have children, is good for both society, and for a woman’s reproductive success. Society encouraging both men and women to enter into sexual relationships and produce offspring, and to pair bond and remain around to raise that offspring, is good for both society, and male/female reproductive success.
With the good though, there is also the bad. Pornography, emotional pornography and the idea of the modern dating cycle, are all examples of negative messages that society has put out there that actually hamper reproductive success (and your productivity!)
If you want to use these social messages to your benefit, you need to use your own experience as a filter to assess the benefits of each activity that society is suggesting you do. Don’t trust social portrayals that you see in the media, especially when it comes to pursuing sex.
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
Given that you now understand that the impact of sex on productivity is a delicate balance between biological imperatives and social influences, the question remains – does this apply differently for men and women?
Well, it does.
Men have a biological imperative to impregnate as many women as possible. They have reliable orgasms, and because orgasm is typically accompanied by the ejaculation of sperm, this means a reliable measure of how well they’re doing reproductively. Note that I said “typically” – we’ll talk about tantra a bit in the article on Sexual Energy.
Women are the sexual gatekeepers of the human race. By and large, women are the more valuable sex in terms of reproduction. This is because women can only produce one egg per month, as compared to the millions of sperm contained in a man’s single ejaculation. Female fertility also declines after the age of 30, and ends with menopause. Men have no such limit on fathering children.
At face value, men and women are locked in a biological arms race when it comes to reproduction.
If you internalize this one simple idea, you’ll start to understand why people interact and do the things they do as they navigate relationships, sex and life in the modern world. Men are biologically encouraged to impregnate as many women as possible, they have an easier time having sex with multiple partners, sans the emotional ties. Women are the opposite. It is in a woman’s interest (reproductively speaking) to stay with one partner who will protect her and her offspring during its infancy. It is in a man’s interest to have as many offspring as possible.
Society plays into this difference as an evolved method of letting both sexes pursue their separate and often-conflicting biological agendas. As an example, there is a popular social notion that women don’t enjoy sex. This is simply not true – both men and women seek out sex for pleasure nowadays (with varying levels of consciousness thought). Men may be well-known for enjoying pornography, but women have their equivalent in the form of love/relationship guides, and romance novels.
As an interesting aside, this notion that women don’t enjoy sex has become the culturally-accepted norm in some Asian countries, to the point where most women believe it themselves.
Using all this for Productivity
We know that:
Productivity is the amount of time you spend directed towards your goals.
We also know of the Inspiration Effect – which is the ability to get extraordinary amounts of work done in a short amount of time when you are highly motivated.
Sex, as we’ve seen, is one of the most powerful ways to generate motivation – it helps you emotionally, it helps you psychologically, and it helps you physiologically. Have sex – it’s good for you, makes you healthier, and makes you more productive.
Remember:
95% of the things you believe in (including sex), are not your original thoughts. They come from society telling you to believe in them.
We’re going to go into more detail about exactly what society tells us in the next article.
Update: click here for part 3.
Understanding Your Sexual Energy and Sexuality
Sexuality is a nature in us, as beings of life-energy, and, like every aspect in us, this nature also requires conscious balancing to ensure that we experience, and express, sexuality in a manner that’s aligned with wisdom along with enjoyment/appreciation of the same. As I’ve mentioned in the previous posts, there are 6 natures, or dimensions of thinking, in life-energy – Love, Joy, Hatred, Fear, Boredom and Sexuality. As a being, you cannot do away with any of these natures and finding an inner balance requires you to bring an aware understanding towards each of these natures, in you, and from this understanding let go of any imbalanced resistance/suppression, or over-identification, towards them, thus allowing for a balanced expression to become the norm.
The journey towards finding conscious balance is a very “personal” journey, and every “body” brings a unique challenge, or opportunity, towards finding this balance. It doesn’t matter how mature/enlightened you are as a soul (possibly having the experience of several lifetimes) you can still find it challenging to work with a human body, in conditions of physical living with other humans, especially when the body comes with its own imbalances (acquired from a gene pool) or when it comes with some specific physical make-up that makes it challenging to function within the “fixated” views of the society.
I get several emails and comments concerning the aspect of sexuality and sexual energy, and I would like to address some common themes here; this post would be mostly focused on gaining a balanced perspective/understanding of the various nuances of sexuality and the deal of finding inner freedom, and thus finding inner balance, towards sexual expression. Finding inner freedom is the foundation towards finding inner balance – without freedom you cannot align with wisdom, and without wisdom you cannot find a balance. When you are in a “bondage”, either out of fear-based suppression or over-indulgent identification, there is no space for wisdom and you are purely motivated, and pulled around, but your “imprisonment” – it doesn’t matter what excuses you make to justify it to yourself. And, this is true for all the 6 dimensions/natures in life-energy – you can be a prisoner to love, to hatred, to fear, to sex, to boredom or to joy. Finding inner freedom from all the 6 dimensions is the pre-requisite to finding an inner balance (and thus connecting with a balanced expression/experience of these dimensions/natures).
It’s very important to understand that inner freedom is just the “foundation”, it’s not supposed to be the “end-point” – a lot of spiritual teachings confuse people into believing that finding inner freedom is the end-point of some sort, and hence propagate some ambiguous pointers on “detachment” as some ultimate goal. Inner freedom is simply a foundation towards balanced living, it gives you the required “ground” to start enjoying the expression of your nature in a balanced manner.
The subject of sexuality usually entails the following aspects of discussion – sexual orientation/preferences, sexuality combined with relationships (expressions like monogamy, polygamy, polyamory and open-relationships in general), masturbation or self-pleasure, celibacy, kinks/fetishes, spiritual sex and sexual hang-ups.
Understanding sexual orientation
There is very common tendency to mis-understand sexual preferences with “relationship orientation”. For example, being gay/homosexual is not just a sexual preference it’s a relationship-orientation in a human. It’s very common for people to mis-understand homo-sexuality with bi-sexuality mostly because both the terms contain the word “sexuality” it’s assumed that both have to do purely with sexual preference, which is not really the case. Being gay is not just about sex, it’s also about emotions, it involves your “heart” – a gay person has the make-up to fall in “love” with another person of the same sex wanting expressions like emotional bonding, marriage, family, etc, just like regular couples (“Lesbian” in the true sense is a woman who is gay). A gay man/woman would feel the same tingling emotions of love, in his/her heart, towards a person of the same-sex, just as a straight man/woman would feel towards a person of opposite sex. Bi-sexuality, on the other hand, is simply an expression of sexual exploration based on curiosity, or need for an adventure or entertainment, as a preference. Just because you have a bi-sexual encounter doesn’t make you gay.
The fact is that all humans have the capacity to “explore” bi-sexuality, if they want to. They’ve even come up with a term for it called “being bi-curious” which means you are exploring out of curiosity to understand what it feels like. The human mind is naturally curious, and inquisitive, and it’s natural for it to feel curious about aspects of sexuality, and sometimes the curiosity takes the form of a real-life exploration. Of course the degree of inclination towards exploring bi-sexuality varies from person to person, just like how sex-drive varies from person to person. In many cases, a person with a high sex-drive is also someone who has a tendency towards exploring bi-sexuality as means of adding “diversity”, or variety, in their sexual experience, or simply as a means to get a new high – of course, this is not true for everyone with a high sex drive, it’s just a general tendency. Even if you have a high degree of inclination towards bi-sexuality it still doesn’t make you gay because you are relating purely from the aspect of sex and you don’t feel emotional love, or desire for an emotional relationship, with your sex partner – just to give an example, some men who explore bi-sexuality often state that they get grossed about cuddling (or even french kissing) with another man and they are only interested in the act of “raw sex” without the romance.
As I mentioned before, all humans have the capacity to explore bi-sexuality if they decide to do so – this means that you can develop an interest towards exploring some aspects of bi-sexuality in the future, even if you don’t have it now. It depends on many things like your curiosity, external influences like your friends or media (for example, if bi-sexuality is made popular in the media, then you will notice people exploring it more from the “fascination” of it), your circumstances (for example, men end up having sex with other men in conditional situations like being in a prison), your sex-drive, your beliefs etc. So, in that sense, bi-sexuality is an expression that may or may not be explored, depending on various factors. However, being gay doesn’t give you that kind of a choice. It’s ridiculous when some schools of thought seem to imply that being gay is a choice and that the people who are gay are “sinning”, or that it’s not “right”, and that they should use their will-power to starting desiring the opposite-sex – such statements imply a deep ignorance about human make-ups. And you don’t have to be gay to understand the makeup of a gay person, inspite of being a straight guy I have an understanding of how the make up of a gay person works purely through the attitude of “open observation” – an aware individual can easily obtain deep understanding about different make-ups, and mindsets, purely through the capacity to observe without judgement.
In fact, the sexual orientation and relationship-orientation dynamics of “transsexuals” is far more varied. Most transsexuals are bi-sexual (desiring sex with men and women, as well as other transsexuals) but their relationship-orientation is varied, some prefer relationships purely with men, some feel an equal emotional attraction towards men and women, some are only attracted to other transsexuals, while some have no specific preference with respect to the sexes. One can imagine the challenges of being in a transsexual body where you have to navigate purely on your own self-understanding along with handling the constant pressure of being different from the majority. You can see how the aspect of sexuality, in a human body, can allow a soul to have the experience of growing in self-awareness and developing the courage to stand true to one’s individuality in the midst of pressure to conform.
To ridicule someone for their sexual orientation, or sexual preference, is rooted in a lack of awareness about human makeup, and also a lack of open-mindedness towards the fact that we are diverse in expressions. Life is all about diversity of expression and experience, it doesn’t follow a redundant path rather a path of varied expressions. To be cynical, fearful or intolerant towards diversity, and differences, in others, puts you in a “karmic relationship” towards that aspect, in that you will then need to go through a similar expression in order to balance your perspective (for example, a person who has a lot of hatred towards homosexuals may end up being born homosexual during another incarnation just to understand that aspect and also to experience what it feels like to be on the receiving side of the hatred/intolerance). An inner freedom is about having a deeper perspective towards all the various expressions of life-energy, in all its diversity, without developing a narrow judgment about it. Of course, some imbalanced expressions need to be controlled/curbed through external regulation in the name of wisdom (for ex, expressions that curb on the freedom of others, like rape) purely from a place of being objective.
One may question if pedophilia (desiring sex with a child) is a sexual orientation, or a preference, or if it’s just an imbalanced sexual expression. The way I see it, a child is someone who is yet to have a clear sexual awareness, who is yet to have the physical/mental ability to make “independent choices”, and hence, for an adult, to involve a child in a sexual act is purely an act of “force”, and thus is an act of exploitation. In a state of balance one does not partake in actions that exploit others, and hence pedophilia, from this perspective, is an imbalanced sexual expression – I don’t see it as a sexual orientation, it’s a preference that’s rooted in imbalance. Of course, it’s true that in the animal kingdom pedophilia is a common occurrence, especially among certain species like pigs, but that doesn’t make it a balanced act, in fact a lot of imbalances exist in the animal kingdom because of low-awareness functioning. A human-being functioning at the level of an animal (without the capacity for deeper emotional intelligence), purely driven by physical drives, is prone to imbalances, and his/her actions would need to be regulated through external force (like law and order), in the name of wisdom, for the sake of maintaining harmony and protecting the freedom of others.
Whatever be your sexual orientation, or sexual preference, you must understand the basic principle of balanced living which is that you can’t force your will upon someone – non-censual sex is an act of severe imbalance.
Sexuality combined with relationships
When I use the term “relationship”, in this context, I am referring to the one involving an emotional bonding (a heart connection). An ideal situation would be to be in a relationship with a partner who has similar (or close to similar) sexual nature as you do unless you are willing to “adjust” with the requirements of your partner as a conscious choice on your part. A lot of sexual frustration can ensue when you are in a relationship with a partner who does not share similarities with your sexual nature – for example, if you have a low sex drive and you find yourself in a relationship with a partner who has a high sex drive it can easily lead to feelings of resentment, while also being interpreted as a lack of love or care. Sexual compatibility does play an important role in ensuring a harmonious “monogamous”, long-term, relationship.
Of course, not everything in life fits into the “ideal” bracket. It’s very possible that you feel an emotional bonding with your partner (and possibly even a sexual compatibility) but also desire to explore sexual expression with others. Under these conditions it can be a very difficult decision to make on whether to pursue your desire for polyamory (multiple sexual partners) at the cost of ruining the emotional bonding you have with your partner, or to let go of this desire as a conscious choice towards cherishing the value of the emotional bond that you’ve found. Balanced decisions always involve an understanding of the light and dark nature consequences of following through with them – remember that every reality is bound to have a light side and a dark side, there is no reality that’s exempt from it because this is the very nature of life. Of course, to make balanced decisions you need to have a sense of inner balance; from a mindset of imbalance you are more likely to choose temporary “joy” over long-term wisdom. To let go of a certain desire, in a bid to cherish a more important desire/priority, is not really a sacrifice/compromise it’s just a part of living from conscious balance. The fact of life is that you can’t have it all (that would be too light-natured), you will always have to function from understanding the limitations of a choice, and every choice comes with its own set of limitations.
Also, in a state of balance you will naturally always stand true to your sense of integrity and responsibility – this sense of operating from values is an essential nature of anyone who’s operating from a place of inner balance. From the place of integrity you will not choose to do something in the “hiding” where the hidden information can have an impact on the decision/preference of the person involved. For example, let’s say you are a married guy, and you make the choice towards being polyamorous, now, from a place of integrity, it would be important that you convey this choice to your spouse, simply because your choice is bound to affect her decision on whether she wants to continue staying with you or not – it’s possible that she may be okay with you exploring your choice, or she may ask you to make a choice between being with her or pursuing polyamory, or she may leave you shocked at the very idea that you contemplated such an option, whatever be the outcome the deal is that you are not “cheating” on her by keeping your choice hidden. Of course, you don’t have to declare your choice to all your friends and family, since your choice does not directly impact them, but it does impact your spouse’s decision to be with you, so in the interest of integrity it’s important to convey it to her.
One can argue – “what if my partner has a low-awareness level and hence is incapable of understanding my choices, does it not make sense to pursue my choices in the hiding to ensure he/she does not get hurt or does not leave me because of his/her narrow thinking?”. It’s a question of perspective, and I can only provide my perspective on this, and the way I see it is that, if maintaining a sense of integrity is important to you then there is no getting around the fact that you need to disclose your choices if it’s bound to affect the preferences/decisions of the other person involved. To do something in the hiding, from this person, is what “cheating” is, and cheating can never be an act of integrity irrespective of what your justifications are for it. Of course, I am talking about the things that you do while being in the relationship, the things that you did before the relationship are not really accountable, and you need to use your wisdom on whether you want to disclose all aspects of your past or not – what you were in the past may not be the person you are now, and hence the past doesn’t have as much value/relevance as what you are doing in the present. The deal of reality is that a relationship that lacks integrity eventually loses its spark, its connection and bonding, you can call it the “karmic influence” or simply a subconscious sabotaging.
There is also a question of “responsibility” and, in truth, it falls along the line of integrity. Some decisions are just evidently irresponsible under a given situation. One needs to have a balance between being selfish and being self-less, in other words, one needs to have a personal commitment while also being balanced in a commitment towards the outside well-being. A balance between being selfish and self-less is a part of inner balance/wholeness, and is an essential pre-requisite for being responsible without being victimized. You are not here purely for the purpose of “enjoyment”, you are also here for developing values, for growth and for finding balance. Enjoyment is an aspect of light-nature which needs to be balanced with aspects like staying true to integrity and responsibility which can be labeled as the dark nature (like a spoiler for the drive towards indulgence). We all have a sense of what’s the “responsible” thing to do, more so in the state of growing awareness, and in some cases what’s responsible may not be what’s “enjoyable” in that moment, and one needs to develop the balance to incorporate this aspect of living in oneself. A simple thumb rule would be that if your action is creating “undue” suffering for someone then it’s very possible that it’s lacking the essence of responsible behavior.
A lot of these “positive thinking” or “get what you want” (using law of attraction et al) type of teachings seem to focus too much on the selfish aspect and very little on the other-side of balanced perspective (requiring a self-less aspect) thus giving a skewed picture on living purely for the sake of enjoyment at all costs, thus creating an imbalance towards light-nature which is bound to create consequences imbalanced in dark nature. There is a difference between “wholeness” and living purely for “bliss/joy” – wholeness is a balance between the light and dark, whereas the term “bliss” implies an imbalance towards light nature. In terms of sexuality you can pursue any preferences that you may have in terms of monogamy, polygamy or open relationships, provided that you also integrate the essence of integrity, and responsibility, while working on a conscious choice based on understanding the light and dark consequences of your actions.
Understanding the deal of masturbation or self-pleasure
There is a lot of stigma attached around masturbation owing to some fear-based, or narrow, teachings propounded from a place of feeling guilty about pleasure. The fact is that in the state of imbalance one is bound to have an inner conflict between light and dark nature aspects in oneself – the dark nature, in you, seems to be in conflict with the expressions of light nature and vice versa. This is the reason for feeling guilty about pleasure. Of course, guilt can also be an indication of feeling circumspect about an imbalanced behavior that you may be indulging in – so, one has to see the guilt in its right context. Guilt does not always mean that you are doing something wrong/imbalanced, it could also stem from some narrow beliefs that you may be holding. The most common reasons why people feel guilty about masturbation are
- Holding onto to some narrow beliefs expounded by conservative religious teachers
- A natural sense of conflict between the dark nature in oneself towards the light nature of indulging in pleasure (feeling bad about enjoying the pleasure)
Though over-indulgence is a problem, masturbation by itself is simply one of the means of enjoyment and entertainment available to you as a human being. In fact, people who have a healthy mindset towards masturbation are also the ones who have a better experience of sex, where they are aware of their pleasure points and don’t hold hang ups about their sexual nature. Also, from an objective point of view, it makes sense to relieve your sexual tension through masturbation than to indulge in an irresponsible sexual encounter driven by the over-dose of suppressed sexual energy. Also, this whole sense of guilt around masturbating, while being in a relationship, stems from a “black and white” thinking that masturbation plays “second-fiddle” to sex with your partner – in truth, the experience that you have while masturbating is very different from the experience of having sex, and each has it’s own value towards your sense of enjoyment and entertainment.
The discussion of masturbation also brings with it question of the use of sexually arousing content like pornographic literature or porn images/videos. There is very little opposition to sexual literature, but there’s definitely a lot of diverse opinion regarding the use of porn images/videos for the sake of masturbation. If there are movies made for romance (love element), movies made for action (hatred element), movies made for comedy (joy element), there are also bound to be movies made for sex and it’s a personal preference on whether one wants to use this form of entertainment. Of course it’s true that there is a lot of exploitation, and abuse, that goes on in the porn industry, especially in the unregulated sectors, and one does need to bring strident regulations, and better management, in this industry, to ensure that there is no exploitation or unhealthy practices that stay prevalent – in a well regulated industry, the performers should be strictly adults who are consenting to do so without being forced against their will. It’s a profession in its own right, with the performers making money from it, and it’s also an expression (there are people who like to share their sex videos, on the internet, purely for the sake of getting a kick from it). The stigma that’s attached to watching porn, or judging people for watching porn, is narrow in it’s own way – it’s just one form of entertainment, and, as long as it’s not made into an imbalanced pre-occupation, is innocuous.
Addiction of any form stems from a place of imbalance – be it addiction to porn or addiction to sex, or addiction to work, or addiction to love, one is not different from the other. It’s also true that watching porn can create some deluded perspectives in the mind of an immature person – for example, expecting your girlfriend to be like a porn-star is just deluded thinking, or for a girl to expect the guy to be as a hung as a porn-star is bound to create disappointments, it’s important to understand that porn caters to “fantasy”, and performers are hired to cater to fantasy. Real-life bodies, real-life sex and real-life “moves” are very different from what you fantasize about, everything comes with its light and dark, there are no “perfections” in real life – you can only imagine/create perfections in your fantasy world.
Also, there is a common tendency to feel threatened if your partner, in your relationship, has the inclination towards using porn for self-pleasure, now and then. The insecurity comes from imagining that your partner is more attracted to the porn-stars than to you, or that he/she is comparing you with the porn-stars and finding you “lesser” in some way. The truth is that, if your partner has an iota of maturity, he/she would know the difference between fantasy and reality, and hence would not draw a comparison between a porn-star and his/her real-life partner, moreover, to use porn for visual stimulation has nothing to do with “attraction” towards the actors performing in it – just like a painting can visually stimulate your sense of aesthetics, a porn movie can visually stimulate your brain’s sex centers, it’s just sexual entertainment – it has nothing to do with real-life attraction. And if you find that your partner has the immaturity of not being able to distinguish fantasy from reality, then you have deeper issues to address than just his/her porn watching deal.
There is also the valid point that porn leads to the objectification of women (and possibly men also), or rather just the propagation of an imbalanced view of humans as being “sex objects”. Someone who is immature can easily come to such deluded conclusions based on the depiction in porn – for example, a guy who has had very little real-life interaction with girls can start objectifying girls as sex objects based on how they are depicted in a porn movie, thus becoming disconnected with the reality that in real-life we are “human” with human emotions and multi-faceted personalities, we are not sex robots (which is what porn usually depicts as a “fantasy”). In fact, the media plays a vital role in shaping the perspectives, and it takes some maturity to be able to differentiate skewed perspectives from reality-based perspectives. Again, it’s about having the maturity to differentiate between fantasy and reality. Enjoying some fantasy-based entertainment is fine as long as you understand it’s just fantasy-based, instead of drawing real-life perspectives from it. In fact, a lot of regular movies are fantasy-based, real-life romances don’t always work that way, however they are made purely for entertainment and for catering to some requirement in use to escape reality (for the relief of it), and there is nothing wrong with it as long as it’s seen in this context – the same holds true for porn, it just takes a maturity to not get deluded or imbalanced by it.
Just to add a pointer, if you are deeply offended by the very mention of porn, it could indicate a certain hang-up you might have towards sexual nature, possibly you have this “good boy/girl” stigma attached to yourself, based on some conditioning or upbringing, which has become a form of a hang-up. If you don’t want to watch porn it’s your preference, but don’t make it a harsh judgment on someone who does enjoy it in a balanced manner. Of course, there are imbalanced aspects to watching porn, just as there are imbalanced aspects to everything in life including being in love. The deal is to bring balance, and thus a maturity, towards the expressions, and experiences, that you entertain in your life. To be close-minded is as much an imbalance as it is to be recklessly indulgent – being open-minded is not a license to become over-indulgent, in fact one has to be even more responsible/conscious when one is open-minded so that one does not end up using the inner freedom as an excuse towards imbalanced behavior.
The deal of Celibacy
Some beings are attracted towards practicing celibacy either because they are bored of sex (possibly through several lifetimes of indulgence) or because they naturally feel drawn towards focusing their energy on some specific creative (possibly spiritual) goal and thus want to conserve their energy. In the post – Channel your sexual energy – I talked about developing the capacity towards “containing” your sexual energy without feeling pulled around by it. This is needed to develop a sense of power (stemming from inner freedom) towards your own sexual energy, where you don’t feel like a prisoner to it when it arises in you. However, this was not a pointer towards completely abstaining from sexual expression/release, in the form of sex or masturbation – it was just a pointer towards developing an inner freedom towards the movement of sexual energy in you, through the state of openness/allowing, by no longer fighting it, and no longer being totally identified with it. Once you develop this sense of inner freedom, you can work towards a balanced sexual expression that’s aligned with your personal sexual make-up.
Some people might feel “asexual” (sometimes called “frigid”), in that they may sense no sexual feelings, in them, at all. Of course, sexual nature is present in every living being, however it’s expression may get suppressed fully or it may not find an expression due to lack of exploration. Some people who feel “asexual” might just not be exploring aspects of what excites them – it’s possible that they get excited by some fetish or a certain kink, and their sense of guilt, or lack of awareness, causes them to disconnect with it. Abstaining from sexual activity is not some “evolved” state of being. Sexuality is a nature of life-energy, and this can’t ever be removed. In that sense, abstaining from sexual expression is, at most, a temporary practice that one may indulge in for specific reasons. Celibacy has nothing to do with being enlightened.
The deal of kinks and fetishes
A sexual kink is basically a desire for a “non-normative” sexual activity to further one’s pleasure, gratification or sense of adventure. The only way to define “non-normative” sex is to use it as an umbrella to consider everything other than the “plain old sex”. Some examples of sexual kinks are – role-playing (for ex, the partners might dress up, and act, like a slave and king), a variety of BDSM (playing out scenarios of bondage, play-acting domination and submission, indulging in masochism like spanking or mild electric shocks), cross-dressing (man dressing as a woman, or woman as a man), dirty-talk, public sex, mutual masturbation, rituals etc. Of course, one can have kinks even with respect to masturbation like using sex-toys of different kinds or cross-dressing or even cross-visualizing (where a straight man visualizes himself to be a woman in an act of sex, while masturbating, and vice versa). A sexual fetish is also “non-normative” sexual tendency, but this term is more specifically used to define sexual link-up with a certain “object” or a certain body-part, where a person finds it difficult to get aroused (or get-off) without either thinking/visualizing about it or having it present – for example, fetishes can be towards objects like foot-wear, latex-wear (like spandex etc), rubber, fur, leather, ornaments, piercing or towards certain body parts like feet, navel, under-arms etc. In a lot of ways fetishes are a subset of kinks just that they are very focused on the “objects”.
Sexuality is a nature that’s open to a lot of creativity (after all sexual energy is the essence of creative nature) and hence you see varied forms of expression in this nature in all creations of life including humans. If you don’t have sexual hang-ups, there are several ways in which you can bring a creative “freshness” to your sex-life, of course in many cases you may also need a willing partner so it makes sense to look for someone who has a good level of compatibility with your sexual nature. If you have certain kinks, or fetishes, it’s best to find a partner who is compatible with it, or someone who is open to it – to be with someone who is constantly judging you for your fetish, or kink, can be an exercise in frustration. Of course, the only reason you would end up in such a situation is when you are in resistance to your own “interests”, where you either feel guilty about it or ashamed of it. It’s important to understand that if you have a certain “interest”, or inclination, and if it’s not something that infringes on the rights of others (and is not harmful to your well-being), then it’s something you should be willing to explore in some way as it’s a part of the expression that this body was designed to have.
There are two terms which are used in the BDSM community – SSC (safe, sane and consensual) and RACK (risk aware consensual kink). There is nothing wrong with enjoying certain dark natured sexual activities like play-acting domination or indulging in some masochism (getting aroused by the pain), it’s just a preference, and what sexually excites you is unique to you, what’s important is to have a sense of awareness about your actions to ensure that you are operating in a state of wisdom. Wisdom dictates that you ensure that your kink/fetish is within the safe-limits, while also making sure that you don’t end up victimizing someone who is not a willing participant in your kink – it’s very important to ensure that your partner is fully willing to participate in the kink, and is not doing so under pressure from you (or to seek approval of you). Also, it’s wise to not discuss your kinks, or fetishes, with someone who lacks an openness and may not understand it (in the section below I discuss “sexual hang-ups”, the last person you want to discuss a kink with is a person with a sexual hang-up) unless you like being termed “weird”.
The deal of spiritual sex
People who have done astral projection (where you, as a soul, consciously step out of your body and travel in the non-physical realm), or who have had out-of-body experiences, mention that sex happens even in the non-physical, and this is in tune with the fact that life-energy has a sexual nature – be it in physical form or non-physical form. Sex in the non-physical happens in the form of sexual energy exchange between souls, it’s a different experience from the physical aspect of sex where the senses can take over the feeling of energy movement. I am not into astral projection and so none of this is my personal experience, this is just something that resonates with me when I read the accounts of people who are into astral-projection and out-of-body experiences. There are practices like “Tantra” which work on the similar principle of focusing on the exchange of sexual energy without requiring physical intercourse – again, I have little, or no idea, about these practices, and have no interest in them either, however, if the idea of it intrigues you then it’s definitely something you can explore, as it has the capacity to deepen your awareness of sexual energy.
The way I see it, as long as you are physical you may as well explore, and enjoy, physicality – you will have plenty of time to explore your non-physical aspects after you die. This is the reason why I don’t feel any real interest in trying to explore non-physical experiences, like astral projection, out-of-body experiences, deep meditations, spiritual drugs or spiritual sex. Of course, it’s totally fine to indulge in spiritual experiences, while being physical, if that’s what you find interesting, but don’t do it because you think it’s some “higher” way to be – it’s just another experience. Of course, you do need to have an openness in your being, where you are not totally lost to the physicality, so that you have access to the wisdom/guidance coming from your non-physical space – this balance between physical and non-physical is necessary to be rooted in wisdom, however it doesn’t make any sense to try to detach from aspects of physicality while you are physical. Some people seem too eager to go back into the non-physical instead of understanding that there is a reason why they choose to come forth into the physical realm, mostly for the purpose of “growth” that may be required in them, which can be had, more quickly, through the opportunities provided in this realm.
Sexual hang ups
Like all natures in life, sexual nature also has a light and dark dimension to it (dark doesn’t mean negative, it’s just a label to reference the polarities – yin/yang). Some people, especially the ones who have some imbalances towards light nature, have certain hang ups towards the dark side of sexuality – basically they are stuck up on the “I am a good boy/girl” label, so stuff like dirty talk, kinkiness, fetishes, role-play, rough sex (also called caveman sex), mutual masturbation or anything that requires sexual overt-ness feels deeply uncomfortable or even shocking to them. They also have a certain “prude” attitude towards sexual behaviors of other people. Or, they may truly want to be overt/open in their sexual expression, and they might have some kinks or fetishes that they would love to explore, but they are afraid of the “bad girl/boy” label, or what’s called the “slut complex”. This form of a hang-up prevents them from connecting fully with their own sexual energy (especially the dark nature of their sexual energy). When your sexual energy is “stuck up” you are likely to attract someone who has a similar issue, basically the end result is sexual frustration and dissatisfaction. People who are sexually stuck-up have this sense of fear towards people who are open/aligned with their sexual nature, and they find security in finding someone who is equally stuck up – they are just seeking security towards their hang-up.
Sexual stuck-up-ness is unattractive per se, it closes down your charisma/magnetism in a huge way. A lot of men, and women, are afraid of being open about their sexual nature, and are sometimes even “apologetic” about it, mostly because of the “good girl/boy” complex that they hold on to – they may be considered “polite”, or even cute or nice, but they are never going to be attractive. The magnetism needed to evoke attraction is largely present in your sexual nature, if you are closed down in your sexuality you are very unlikely to evoke the primal attraction in the opposite sex (or same-sex depending on your orientation). Also, to have good sex it’s very important to be “communicative” while having sex, letting your partner know what you want, what you are feeling, what you would like him/her to do, instead of just hoping that your partner gets it right. Of course, if your partner gets offended by your open communication you get to know that he/she has a sexual hang-up (reg flag alert).
I am not suggesting that everyone needs to be kinky while having sex, it may not be your style and that’s fine. It’s just that you need to be authentic with yourself about whether you are holding back on your sexual nature. Some of the behaviors present in people with sexual hang ups are as below
- A sense of uprightness about their “good girl/boy” self image, being uppity and looking down upon people who are sexually open
Feeling embarrassed while talking about sex, using “metaphors” (like birds and bees) instead of being straight-forward – again stemming from the “I don’t use dirty words” aspect of the “good girl/body” syndrome - The tendency to not enjoy self-pleasure/masturbation, feeling guilty about it or feeling ashamed of it
Feeling intolerant towards sexual behavior in other people, like their kinks or fetishes. Lacking an openness to understand that different people have different sexual proclivities and find different things sexually entertaining - Feeling jealous, or insecure, about their partner appreciating the sexiness of another person (people who are comfortable with their sexual nature are usually not jealous of the sexiness in others; they also understand that it’s normal to feel sexually aroused/excited by the sexiness in someone, so they don’t judge their partner for it)
- The inability to enjoy “sexual fantasies”, feeling that if they fantasize about something then they might do it in real life. For example, a woman, while shopping with her husband, at a mall, might have a sexual fantasy about a hot sales guy there and feel deeply guilty/shocked/offended at having such a fantasy in her mind, feeling that she might want it in real life or that she is being unfaithful because she had that thought. In truth, fantasies have nothing to do with real life, they are just imaginative projections of your mind – there are no boundaries to thoughts but there are boundaries to how reality works. Enjoying fantasies, in your mind, or enjoying some fantasy-based entertainment, does not mean that you would be inclined towards it in real life.
Even beyond these behaviors, there is something very obviously “closed” about people who have sexual hang-ups. Their energy seems to contains aspects of hidden anger, insecurity, touchiness, defensiveness, mostly stemming from the inner frustration of being so suppressed.
Connecting with inner freedom and balance towards sexual energy
Freedom is a pre-requisite to balance. Without having a sense of inner freedom, from a certain nature, you cannot bring a balance to it. So, the foundational step is always about finding inner freedom. The way to find inner freedom is through the state of allowing (or rather “inner allowing”), which means that you are neither suppressing nor being overly identified towards the nature until you sense that you are no longer at the mercy of it. For example, if you consider the nature of “fear”, the way to attain inner freedom from it is to allow the energy of fear fully in you, in the form of thoughts and emotions, without suppressing it or getting “influenced” by it (identified with it), just staying in an openness, or surrender – this openness will allow the energy of fear to start balancing out in you, on its own. It’s the same for sexual energy also. For a while, you will just need to work on the state of openness until you sense that you are neither fighting this energy nor are you at the mercy of this energy – this is the perfect foundation to start exploring what you would like to express, and experience, using this energy.
It does take some courage, and receptiveness, to be willing to let go of clinging to your pre-conceived notions, of your rigid beliefs, of your mental stances, of your hang ups, and just be open. For example, if anything in this post is “offensive” to you, or if it makes you uncomfortable, it’s a good place to work on the state of allowing instead of getting identified with your mental stance. What makes you uncomfortable is usually an indication of where your growth might lie in terms of developing an openness in your being. Once you truly have an openness you can make choices on how you specifically want to experience, or express, aspects of your nature – you will then be moving from a place of wisdom, and self-understanding, rather than from a place of hang-ups, fears, narrow thinking and delusions.
Put Your Attention On Sexual Arousal, Not Orgasm
Consider the potential of sexual arousal to fuel self-transformation.
Posted Dec 13, 2012, Psychology Today
Everyone is talking orgasm. How to have a bigger one. How to get to that great big place of explosion. Just go to Amazon and put in that key word and see the hundreds of books that will promise to get you there. It's what so many people believe is the answer to getting what they want when it comes to pleasure. It's like the merit badge of sex. Proof that you're an erotic being.
Women are actively seeking how to turn on their erotic engines. But that powerhouse engine is not fueled by orgasm, it's fueled by arousal. Arousal, the overlooked state that can last all day or just minutes, is the building block for the orgasmic holy grail. If you can't access your arousal, chances are you're not having orgasms.
Sexual arousal can feel like sexual activation or even excitement. At its best, it's a full body experience. It most commonly occurs first in our minds with thoughts of sexual desire and then is felt in our bodies. In a state of sexual arousal most of us actually go through several different physiological changes as our body and mind begin to awaken.
When men are aroused they sometimes express that feeling in the form of a genital erection. When women are feeling arousal they may begin to feel their nipples and vulva engorge along with vaginal lubrication.
Sexual arousal is the pilot light that has several stages and may not lead to any actual sexual activity, beyond a mental arousal and the physiological changes that accompany it. Many women simply describe that feeling as radiating heat.
Sexual arousal is the most understudied and overlooked part of a woman's sexual experience. It's not a limited experience. It can be compared to turning on a shower and waiting for the water to reach the right temperature before you can get in. If the water doesn't get hot, the shower is not a pleasant experience. This feeling of sexual activation can blossom and affect how we experience the rest of our day. It's this feeling of heat that can keep our daily lives feeling juiced.
The problem is that only the rare woman truly understands the power of her own arousal and how to access and maintain its magic powers to enhance the parts of her life beyond the bedroom.
Consider the potential of sexual arousal to fuel self-transformation. This is what most women are really seeking when they come to see a sex coach or buy a book on orgasm. They are wanting more, and somehow they know that it's there – in their own bodies. Perhaps they have seen it in other women – the French refer to it as “je ne sais quoi” – it's a woman who sparkles from within. Women who come to me for coaching often ask how to achieve that aura. They want to know how, because they want that feeling in their own bodies.
Naomi Wolf has taken on the subject of the vagina-heart-brain circuit in her somewhat controversial treatise and NY Times bestseller, “Vagina: A New Biography.” Though it has met wild adulation and bitter criticism, the message is compelling. When the circuit, in physiological terms a dopamine-oxytocin-opiate loop, is intact and uninterrupted, a woman is in a state of genuine well-being: capable, confident and sexy. She knows how to access arousal and run with it through her day.
But when that loop is disrupted, severed, shamed or abused, women numb out. They get depressed, anxious, have low libido and dare I say it, suffer “hysteria.” While Wolf’s analysis may be hotly contested by some, her understanding and defense of the genital-brain connection is one I’ve witnessed and experienced over and over again. What Ms. Wolf didn’t explain in any great detail, is how to recognize and complete that circuit so that we women are steadily charged, activated, open to and ready for life – and yes even have orgasms!
So let me give you the recipe for the secret sauce again – it's all about being able to access sexual arousal. Harness that hotbed of energy and you will be able to apply it to help you reach your full potential. I don’t have to look any further than below my own belly-button to feel the profound shifts that connecting all the pieces of myself have made. But I do look beyond my own experience. Some might even call it empirically gathered evidence. I coach hundreds of women (and couples), I lead retreats and teach curious, seeking and hungry women how to turn on and tune into their own technicolor lives. My clients are as young as 21 and as old as 78, and they all want the same thing: to feel integrated, powerful, sensuous and seen. They are finding it by learning how to access their arousal.
Dr. Stephen Snyder, Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at Mount Sinai School of Medicine who works as a sex and relationship therapist and psychiatrist in New York City, recently wrote a wonderful blog on sexual arousal in which he states “When couples come to see me complaining of a sexual symptom, such as lack of sexual desire, or sexual boredom, or some other dysfunction – I always try to find out whether they’ve been getting aroused. Not just hard – or lubricated. But really aroused. Captivated. Self-absorbed. Infantile. I like to see a few giggles. If the arousal isn’t there, then where did it go?“
I believe that, in most cases, our arousal goes the way of other more “important” things. We simply don't seek a place of arousal except when we want to have partnered sex or an orgasm. We are not living turned on lives and, as a result, we are missing all of that power that we could be bringing into our daily existence. We need to access our own arousal and understand that it is not just there for the sex act. The other benefit of this learning experience is that once we have a handle on our arousal as a whole, we can access it more easily and bring it out in full force to ignite our partner's sexual passions.
As Naomi Wolf brings out in her book, women who are sexually activated – who are living in their arousal – are more creative and productive. Sexual arousal is not a limited experience – it is a full life experience. It's time to talk about more than orgasm and support women who find themselves disconnected from this essential and overlooked state of being.
Channel Your Sexual Energy
calmdownmind.com - Posted on November 12, 2011 by Sen.
The intensity of sexual energy cannot be matched with any emotion known to humans. The force instigated by sexual energy can override even the most intense fears in a human; there is enough evidence to suggest that humans can undertake some extremely risky behaviors under the influence of this energy, which they would not dream of doing if they were not taken up by it. No other force has the power to inject the amount of courage, fearlessness, imagination, impetus, motivation and creativity that the force of sexual energy has. This is one reason why sex is the most sought after activity by humans and why sex is the major topic of discussion in all spiritual and religious literature. But if sex, or sexual activities, is the only means into which you channel your sexual energy, you are losing out on realizing the full potential of this energy in you. In fact, over indulgence in sexual activities is usually a lopsided behavior found in humans who fail to develop the conscious channeling of this energy into their creative expression, personal power and well-being.
Containing the sexual energy
You should be able to contain the sexual energy before you are able to channel it. It’s like containing the water behind a dam so that it can be channeled into more useful pursuits; in the absence of a dam, that contains this water, the water just flows chaotically serving no useful purpose. A stability in required in your being before you can contain this strong energy in your space. This stability is arrived at as you allow yourself to rest in the space of awareness, without being taken in by the constant flux of the mind activities – it’s like being rooted in the depth of an ocean so that you are not affected so much by the waves on the surfaces. Once you’ve developed this stability in your being, it’s easy to contain even the strongest surges of sexual energy without being taken in by it completely.
The most normal human reaction to a surge of sexual energy in them is to immediately expend it via some sexual activity, one reason for this behavior is that you find it difficult to contain such a huge surge of energy and find it a relief to expel it through the release of a sexual activity. This behavior is an indication that you are quite helpless, and powerless, in front of this energy which seems to “drive” you rather than you channeling it the way you want. Also, a lot of people try to suppress the sexual energy in them (especially people who have misplaced spiritual beliefs) out of guilt, or fear, which ends up creating resistances to the natural flow of life energy in them – this is another extreme of being powerless to your sexuality because now you fear it.
A lot of men, and women, have committed sexual acts in the impulse of the moment, under the influence of the strong sex drive within them, which they later regret, sometimes even for a lifetime. Some terrible violent acts of force have been perpetrated by humans who got unconsciously pulled into the strong force of their sex drive which blocked the allowance of a wisdom in their actions. To be at the mercy of the pull of sexual energy is like being a prisoner who has no conscious freedom but acts under the whims and fancies of his/her sex drive.
When there is no depth in your being (no depth in awareness) it’s very difficult to contain the sexual energy that seems to take over the entire physicality. Someone who is totally identified with the mind would almost be in a “daze”, or semi-consciousness, dragged into indulging in sexual activities, as if in a “stupor” or drugged state. A lot of people realize how helpless they feel against the pull of their sex drive. Enjoying sexual activities is a celebration of physicality and one should have no hang ups about it, but when you become a prisoner to your sex drive there is no longer a space of “wisdom” available in your actions, leading to over-indulgence, unwise acts, restless movements, violent outbursts and weak/non-magnetic personality. You would need to be authentic/honest within yourself to recognize if you are a prisoner to your sex drive or if you are stable enough in your being to be able to contain this sexual energy without it playing the master.
Channeling your sexual energy into creativity
The act of sex is the precursor to the creation of a new physical form – this is just an example of the creative potential of sexual energy in a physical being. If you’ve never consciously experience the “texture” of this energy in you, just allow yourself to stay in a space of awareness the next time there is a surge of sexual energy in the body – just stay with it without being dragged into the mind’s immediate need to expel it through the release of a sexual activity. For a moment, just feel the energy as it courses through your body, feel the pulsating strength of it. When you are able to stay in the awareness of this energy, you are basically able to contain it in your being without being dragged around by it. You will notice that this energy has the capacity to provide a sense of power within you, a sense of strength and vitality, a sense of courage, a raw sense of invincibility and “heroism” – no other energy known to humans has the ability to instill such a sense of power.
It’s important to understand, firstly, that it’s not “required” that you release this energy through a sexual activity. Most people unconsciously believe that they must find an outlet to their sexual energy through a sexual activity, hence they either suppress this energy in them (due to some orthodox beliefs) or try to release it as quickly as it emerges. But in truth, a completely different dynamic plays out in your physical expression when you don’t release this energy through sexual activity and simply contain it, allowing it to course through your space. It develops an energy of “magnetism” in your being – a charisma. When you don’t release this energy through a sexual activity, it will automatically channel into another creative outlet, I’ve listed some of them below.
- – Sexual energy has immense healing powers and has the capacity to revitalize the organs in the body. The therapeutic powers of sexual energy are well documented in many spiritual literature. When you contain this energy in your body, it automatically moves into bringing a healing to diseases present in the body.
- – Containing sexual energy creates a sense of vitality and well-being in the mind, cutting through thoughts of depression, powerlessness or inferiority. It can create a spark of genius in your thoughts.
- – People who study auras would tell you that sexual energy creates a very powerful positive aura in your physical being, which can be sensed by people around you as a “magnetic” quality in your personality. Napoleon Hill, in his book “Think and Grow Rich” had mentioned that all the influential people that he’d interviewed were ones who had strong sexual natures in them but were also conscious enough to channel this energy into their being.
- – Any thought that’s held in the powerful presence of this sexual energy seems to attract more strongly than in the presence of any other emotion.
- – When you don’t expend sexual energy through a physical release, it seems to channel into creative actions automatically – getting things done which you might not have had the energy to do previously.
- – The force of this sexual energy has the power to burn through resistances within you (that arise from fears or phobias in the mind) – it’s like being under the influence of a powerful drug while also being conscious in its wake.
- – People who develop the stability in their being, to be able to contain the surge of sexual energy in them, have a magnetism in their being that attracts the opposite sex. A lot of charismatic people are usually the ones who are conscious enough to channel their sexual energy into personal magnetism.
As the light of awareness starts deepening in you, it will naturally touch upon the aspect of your sexuality. Any hang ups you have about your sexuality will be brought to this light and be dissolved in its wisdom, and this will allow a “free movement” of sexual energy in you – which can be way more powerful than when it was moving through resistances. This free movement of sexual energy can become chaotic if not contained through the same power of awareness.
So basically once you remove the resistances within you to your sexuality, by allowing these resistance to be touched by the light of awareness, you will move to the next level of a conscious channeling of this sexual energy into creative expressions, and personal power, by containing it – this allows for a holistic experience which attracts well-being and abundance into your reality. You can also enjoy the experiences of sexual activity in a more conscious/passionate/intense manner when you develop this stability in your being.
