“Hold on baby, let me start the pomodoro first” – AE Thanh to women when they’re back at his place.
This is the last article in our series on sex, productivity and motivation. We’re going to talk about getting sex, and getting it on (having sex).
- There are many different ways to get more sex. You just need a plan and to take action.
- Remember that the act of sex takes time – you should roughly know how much time.
- Touching, as in physical contact, is a nice biological bonus to sex, and just as important.
- It’s important to cultivate healthy attitudes towards sex.
Everything that follows about getting sex applies to both men and women. The only difference is that getting sex comes easier to women than men – this has roots in the biological differences between men and women and subsequent social structures that have evolved from that. Simply put, women are the more valuable gender in terms of sex, so it stands to reason that sex is more accessible for women. The main challenge for women seems to be getting sex from men who really turn them on.
Here are the different ways to get more sex:
- A relationship, of any of the numerous forms. Whether it’s a boyfriend/girlfriend, partner or spouse, this is by far the most productive option for getting sex. Why? Simply because you’re not then putting in the time chasing potential sexual partners all the time (applies more to men than women). Bonuses include a certain level of emotional certainty which also helps with productivity (“you can’t work when you’re hungry”).
- Chasing new partners. Mostly applies to men – women mostly just have to put themselves out there, and men will do the chasing. The thing to keep in mind here is that chasing new women, takes time. A lot of time. Even if you’re good at it. Regardless of if you’re spending your weekends barhopping or putting in the hours to build a social circle of pretty ladies, it takes time. By no means is this an efficient strategy for getting sex, it just happens to be the default one when most people are single. The exception is if you’re famous – but then, you probably already have all the sex you want or need in that case. Bonus (credit Mark W): every city in the world has a “hack” for meeting new people, you just need to find out what it is in yours.
- Online Dating. Technology is great for making our manual processes more efficient, so why not dating? Well, online dating can be pretty awesome. It’s usually time efficient (use pocket times to browse profiles and send messages), you get to save initial conversation time as your first meetup will likely be a date, and it’s great for finding different niches of people, whether that’s people of the same faith as you, or of a particular demographic, or of a particular interest (e.g., hooking up vs a long term relationship). The actual payoff of online dating is dependent on your ethnicity –according to OKCupid data, it’s fantastic if you’re a Caucasian male or non-Black female. Otherwise, well, online dating is just as extrapolation everyday society.
- Professional help. There are a few different options here, from matchmaking services, like those who specialize in matching high net-worth men with “exclusive” women, or dating coach options (like a personal trainer for your love life). The thing to recognize is that there’s no shame in seeking out help – it’s a matter of regaining control over one of the more vital areas of your life, and if anything, it’s about having a plan and taking action to get there. Bonus from AE Thanh: guys, if you’re sitting around waiting for that “one girl” to hook up with you… this is where you need to be.
- Paying for sex. It’s not politically correct to discuss, but paying for sex is the de facto option in a lot of the world. Even setting aside the notion that taking someone to a fancy dinner or drinks or whatnot is essentially paying for the opportunity of sex, the direct transaction of money for sex is extremely popular all around the world. Whether that’s hostess bars, massage parlors or “soapies”… these places do exist. Moral arguments aside, people we’ve talked to who partake say that it’s incredibly efficient – it’s essentially a business transaction, with clearly defined boundaries and limitations. You want sex, they want money. We’ll leave the choice up to you.
- Move to another environment. The best way to explain this one is by example: Caucasians living in Southeast Asia, Scandinavians living in South America, Brits living in the US, or American ladies in Jamaica. Simply put, if you go somewhere that whatever natural traits you have are more valued by the opposite sex, you’re likely to have more sex.
So the question is – which of these pathways are the most efficient? Well, it really comes down to lifestyle, timeframe and opinion. The thing to remember is that there are always options and avenues of action available and open for getting more sex – you just have to pick one, plan accordingly and take action.
The official AE answer is that different options have different short and long-term consequences. Paying for sex may be great in the short-term, but isn’t likely to be a plausible long-term strategy. Getting some coaching to polish up your social skills, or moving to a different environment, are short-term hassles, but likely to yield longer-term results.
For different genders and orientations, here are what we think are the optimal strategies:
- Men. Do things that increase your social status. The more you have your life together, the more you’ll become sexually attractive to women. Think of it as the adults-only version of the law of attraction. These things can include: social status symbols (money, career), your physical appearance, or your conversational skills (pick up techniques).
- Women. Do things that… (cue politically-correct commenters) improve your looks and feminine traits. There’s no point denying that looks pretty much dominate men’s impressions of women – the better you look, the more male attention you will get.More here. Exception: moving to a different environment where an inborn trait or economic difference makes you more attractive.
- Gay men. Some of our gay friends have pointed out that getting sex is much simpler for them, with a plethora of options including saunas, gay bars and Grindr available to them.
Just to reiterate: the point here is to take action if you want more sex. Use everything you have learned about goal setting, time management, goal frameworks and achieving outcomes to create a plan and execute it!
Getting it on (Having Sex)
This is going to be the most unsexy thing you ready today – we’re going to talk about the timing and scheduling of sex, as well as a couple of other ancillary concepts about sexual intercourse.
Let’s start with timing.
By and large, the norm for having sex is at night. Why? Most dates are scheduled for night time, and it’s widely promoted/accepted that romantic activities take place in the evening. This actually makes a lot of biological sense – having sex before you go to sleep gives you the entire night to recover.
Morning sex may feel great, but remember that sex is physically draining. If you’re one of those people who likes to wake up a little excited, take that feeling and channel it into yourmost important task for the day.
If you want to schedule in sex in relation to work, the payoff from sex is optimal if you have sex after your work is done – knowing that you’ll be going home to some fun R&R time can be incredibly motivating to push you through a hard day of work.
The last thing about timing is frequency. Biologically speaking, we’re predisposed to bingeing on sex and having as much as possible. There are a couple of things to remember here:
- Sex takes time.
- You don’t have to have sex (or masturbate) every single time you feel a little turned on.
With this in mind, realistically, 1-2 sessions of sex a week should be enough for most couples. Keep in mind that as with all scheduling and planning, you have to factor in “travel” time too – getting to your partner’s place, eating time if you’re on a date and so on. If you want to be hardcore about it, you can even use time tracking to see how long your sessions go for.
How much time?
A lot of people are curious about how long the act of sex (intercourse) should actually go for. Statistical data shows that 7 minutes in about average for most couples, while 30 minutes is considered a long time. An impromptu survey that Thanh and I did of a random selection of friends yields an average of about 20 minutes – that’s actual in-the-act intercourse time, not including foreplay or cuddling after.
Bonus tip for men reading this: the best benchmark is your partner having an orgasm, not how long you last. How’s that for applying outcome over output?
Masturbation is the most efficient form of sex – a mentor of mine who shall remain anonymous…
We’ve touched on this before, but masturbation, while efficient, is not in your best interests. Studies have shown that levels of prolactin in the blood are 4 times higher after intercourse compared to masturbation – this is your body telling you that it knows the difference, and also explains why intercourse is much more satisfying than masturbation.
We didn’t think it was necessary to get explicit about specific sexual techniques for having better sex, mostly because there is a plethora of literature and instructional videos and blogs and sites out there already covering the topic. Just be wary of the new-age concepts surrounding a lot of the teachings, and remember that in the end, sex is just biomechanics and psychology.
If enough people ask nicely, we might write up something as part of a subscriber-only newsletter. Otherwise, check out our page on Sex and Libido for some resources.
Taming Your Sex Drive
We’ve already covered this in bits and pieces throughout our article series, but it comes down to channeling any sexual feelings towards your work or mission in life. In the long run, it helps to cut out pornography and masturbation too.
There are different degrees of touch ranging from social touch up to sexual touch. What we’re talking about here are the non-sexual types, because they are as important to your wellbeing as the sex itself.
When you experience touch, especially the pair-bonding, cuddly sort that couples like to do, your body releases oxytocin, which keeps you healthy and happy.
Bottom line: touch is good for you. If you don’t touch babies, they die.
The Inner Game of Sex
While I’m sure that Timothy Gallwey wouldn’t want the “inner game” brand linked with sex, there’s a lot that can be said about the inner game of sex, or our mindsets towards it.
There is a lot of judgmentalism surrounding sex, sexual arousal and the act of sex itself, and most of this comes from beliefs and ideas instilled into us randomly by parents, teachers, religion and society at large. A healthier understanding of sex comes from basically untangling all of these ideas, and removing any shame, guilt or judgmentalism from them.
Simply put, if you manage to strip away all sexual judgmentalism, you’ll find that your relations with members of the opposite sex will improve exponentially, making your dating life incredibly efficient, giving you more time to do other things (or meet other people).
Rather than go through all the ones we’re aware of, here are a couple of big ones for men and women:
- For men, actually having sex versus the idea of having sex. A lot of men are enamored with the fact that they “had sex” rather than enjoying the act and process itself. For them, the fact that they hooked up with a girl is more important than the physical, psychological and emotional connection that comes during intercourse.
- For women, the idea that too much sex in a relationship means he doesn’t love me. Based on what we know about social monogamy and sexual promiscuity, this doesn’t make much sense. If human being tend to be sexual promiscuous, then the more sex a man is having with you, the less he is having with new partners.
- Like any other project, getting more sex is a matter of setting a goal, planning, and taking action. There are many different predetermined plans available for you to chose from.
- Sex takes time – schedule for it.
- Touch and cuddling = good.
- Cultivate healthy attitudes towards sex.